Cross the Street

I woke up fully annoyed and irritated. My voice even felt like it had been strained. It was then that I remembered my dream. I was on a journey I knew, but had come to a pedestrian crosswalk. I pressed the button and waited for the cars to pause so I could walk to the other side of the street. Lights were flashing, cars were stopping and I was standing still. Have you ever been in two places at once in a dream? I found myself also in one of the stopped vehicles watching me. Me standing still when all was apparent that I should CROSS THE STREET. I began to yell...Cross the Street, Cross the Street, what are you waiting for?!

WHat does it mean to trust the Lord? Prov. 3:5-6 TRUST in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding...in ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.

WHere it says.. "in all your ways acknowledge Him" jumped out to me. The word WAYS in Hebrew is "derek" and means "ROAD or Course"....so, in all the roads we take , all the places we go, all the paths we walk on, all the streets we cross, in this case...we are to ACKNOWLEDGE Him. Acknowledge comes from the word YADA, which means to know and in this case direct, intimate contact. Spiritually speaking I believe it means that if we will simply keep that connection with the Lord every day, God will be faithful to direct our paths.

Last Easter was the first Easter that my husband and I were the lead pastors at our church. Every year we have a Good Friday service where many other churches join us....the church is packed! So we are to get up and give a greeting. My dear husband had everything written out. Now normally this would be fine with me, except he had written out word for word (to help me) our greeting. Well, this freaked me out as now I thought....I'm going to look like I'm reading a hello? What? My knees were knocking and I truly thought I was going to throw up....I may have even prayed I would so I wouldn't have to go on the platform:) I know you want me to tell you it went well. In my mind it didn't. It was awkward. There were pauses, I didn't follow the words, we didn't flow well together. I wanted to die!

Now others will tell you they didn't notice....I think they were being nice. FOR DAYS, I tortured myself with this....I can't do this anymore, I'm just not a communicator, I'm trying to be something I'm not, I should just give up and stay backstage. Anyone ever been there? It doesn't sound like truth to me. It sounds like the enemy....distorting things because of my insecurities.

But I can't seem to get away from the whispers of my God. And I have some friends in my life who will also remind me of what God has said, and what the Word says. Reminders that no matter what, no matter how I feel, no matter if I mess up, I'm a God truster. And I'm in the process of trusting Him more and more.

He wants us to cross the street. Some of you may be right there. There's something that God is saying...trust Me in this. WE're in different places in our walks with God. Maybe some of you need to trust Him for the first time, surrender your life to Him. Some of you, your street is a job change or even a job stay! It could be taking a risk in a relationship, maybe it's obeying God in prayer and fasting...He's calling you to a higher place and you've been resisting, maybe there is a conversation that needs to take place with someone who hurt you. CROSS THE STREET! Freedom, change, restoration, love and more than we can know are waiting on the other side. Listen, God knows what is on the other side. So, if we do truly believe He is a loving God, He has a plan, it's a good one, why are we afraid? Because we might fail in the eyes of people? That would be the fear of man that brings a snare. God is with you as you cross AND He is also on the other side.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Yesterday as I was feeding snack to the kids I opened the window to hear the birds singing loudly. I told the kids to listen. We all sat still to hear the chirping of the birds. I moved on to getting some cookies out...seems silly but as I opened the bag I was aware of the sound of the crinkling it made. Instantly I heard the Lord say, what do you hear? Um, a cookie bag? I'd know what that was if my eyes were closed...and the birds as well. I began to think of other sounds I hear every day that I easily recognize...the garage door opening, the cupboards opening and closing (and opening and closing and opening and closing!), the dryer buzzer. I recognize them because they are part of every day of my life.

Let him who has an ear HEAR what the Spirit is saying...as we live and breath and move in the Spirit we will begin to recognize His voice. You may think you can't hear Him. I encourage you to daily spend time with Him and in His Word. As you do there will come a recognition of Him that you won't have to second guess. You will hear the sound of the Spirit.

A week or so ago a few of our sons took part in a media fast. For 3 days they stayed off the computer, didn't listen to music and refrained from texting. The biggest thing I noticed was a different awareness about them. Conversations took place that otherwise might not have. Sometimes in order to hear clearly we need to break away from the things that hinder a clear frequency.

So I encourage you today to listen...take some time to get quiet before Him. I believe if you choose to tune your ear, you will hear...because He is faithful. Do you hear what I hear?

A Journey of Trust

This weekend marks a new chapter in the Conway story. I am loving this God-breathed journey, this life of joy, questions, discoveries, questions, tears and a few more questions.

13 years ago Russ and I felt the KNOWING leading of God to move our family of 4 from one side of Canada to the other...Lower Sackville, Nova Scotia. With two young boys in tow, we stepped onto a plane in faith that He would guide and provide. And He has! Not always in the timing I would prefer, but He does answer when we call to Him.

Our first few weeks in Nova Scotia I discovered I was pregnant with baby boy number 3, miscarried his twin, found the house we had rented was full of fleas and felt completely isolated as Russ began his first semester in Bible School. It was the lonliest, full of tears season of my life and yet, it was the season I began a new and needed dependancy on my God.

Those two years I learned that regardless of my circumstances, His promise to never leave us is one I can stand on. We saw countless miracles in all sizes...groceries dropped at our door, gas cards from annonymous sources, tuition paid for by strangers and a van delivered just for us to name a few.

I learned to make baby wipes out of paper towels:), to dilute laundry soap, and that children will not perish without milk or juice for awhile...water actually works too! We heard it said that if we were in God's will we would not be facing the struggles that loomed so large. Yet I would change nothing as I learned of a vast and faithful God who loves ME, cares about my diaper supply, my heartfelt need for friends, and despite my tunnel vision, sees the BIG picture of my life.

In packing up and preparing for the new house we have now been blessed with, I came across a journal that lists the countless people who sowed into our family's life. Words cannot express my thankfulness for the friends and stangers who have come to our rescue and supported us along the way.

ON Sunday, our pastor, Pastor Ted Yuke, will pass the mantle of senior leadership onto Russ and myself. He is stepping aside to continue God's call as an apostle to the country of Canada and the world. He, and his wife Gloria, leave a legacy of pastoring Rock Church for 38 years. While the responsibility and legacy are huge, I have been remembering this week about the faithfulness of God. We are stepping out once again in trust and KNOWING that we are following what He has laid out and that He has supplied a team that is well equipped to walk alongside us. What's ahead? Joy, questions, discoveries, questions, tears and more questions I'm sure. But when we walk dependant on Him, even the questions become a beautiful part of the journey. And He IS the God who answers when we call.

A Bonnet of Hope

She revisited the memory with tenderness and fresh tears of relief. The delicate, snow white tissue paper was worn from folding and unfolding. Its contents, perfectly undamaged, revealed the treasure and gave reason to the surge of emotion surfacing once again.

The lifelong, relentless questions that had surrounded her mind like storm clouds were finally receiving answers. They came as a healing balm to the cold and hollow emptiness of feeling alone and abandoned.

As a young girl she often wondered about her father. Grandmother never had anything good to say about him and she learned the hard way not to pry or give voice to her unanswered ponderings. Mother worked to take care of her while she was left tended to by Grandmother's harsh and angry ways. Nothing seemed to make her happy and any moment could bring a backlash of hateful words and numerous, undeserved punishments.

Late at night, sleep would often evade her as thoughts of being hopelessly forgotten by her father taunted and teased like children on the playground. She prayed that one day answers would come and fill the hole in her heart.

Days turned to months and months to years. She grew into a beautiful young woman, found love of her own, and mothered with care, five children. The years would not dull the ache or the unanswered question yet she gave herself wholeheartedly to her family.

Years later, with weathered and fragile fingers, the answer came, quietly and without fanfare. It began with a phonecall that stirred her soul and brought a surge of hope into her heart. Through her grown daughter and an old letter, an aunt was discovered. The sister of her father...

The story began to unravel and her heart responded to its truth. Her father had been consumed with love for her mother but after she was born, Grandmother forbid him to see her. He considered taking her away but rethought the plan realizing she was a nursing, dependant infant. He grieved the thought of walking away but had no choice. He would never forget this little girl and to be sure, the last time he saw her, he snuck unnoticed to her baby buggy and took the white, crocheted bonnet from her head.

He carried it with him through World War I, carefully wrapped in white tissue paper. It compelled him not to give up. Each time he felt the pain of separation from his sweet girl, he would reach into his pocket, pat the bonnet, and remind himself that one day he would indeed find her. He sent gifts and cards never to be received.

This answer came too late for a meeting. Her father had passed away years before but not without telling the story of this long lost baby girl that held a piece of his heart. And so, after many years, the discovery of this aunt and two brothers brought a delicate peace to her heart. It also quieted the hauntings of being forgotten and forsaken.

As her fingers gently hold the baby bonnet, she says with quiet confidence and a tear in her eye....One day, I'll see my Dad. He'll know me and I'll know him. That will be a grand reunion indeed.

This story is dedicated to my grandmother, the sweet baby girl whose father never forgot about her.

Daughter of Promise

Love me please, the little girl cries
Alone at night when day is done
Her quiet plea is whispered
Now that Daddy's gone...

Away now...and won't take care of me
Just another broken promise
But SomeOne's watchin, see
Surrounding...

I will be strong, the young girl fights
Driven to stay alive inside
Her unspoken vow of no more tears
Is steeled into a lie...

Alone now...can't hurt this heart of mine
With another broken promise
But SomeOne's holding time
Protecting...

She is hungry, her soul cries out
For something true and real
The deep longing for acceptance
A wounded heart begins to heal...

Awake now...ever sing for joy and hope
For this promise to believe in
Now Jesus is embracing, close
Forgiving...

She is loved and everything is brighter
For SomeOne knows her name
Her freedom dance of passion
Releases her from shame

Alive now...true and faithful One
She's a daughter of His promise
His knowing love has come
Belonging...

Mary, A Surrendered Heart

It seems these days the Lord is challenging me to really step out of familiar places into the unknown. Without the knowledge of what is on the other side, He is asking me to TRUST Him.

It has taken me back to times in my life of fresh surrender. Times when I've come back to Him with a bleeding heart, because of my own mistakes. Times when I've come to the end of me and my knowledge. And times when I must trust that He knows what is best for me, even when I don't understand.

As the Christmas season is getting closer, my thoughts have turned to thinking about Mary and what it truly must have been like for her when the angel told her she would be the mother of the Messiah. At this time in Jewish history, a girl who became pregnant out of marriage should have been terrified. She could be forced to leave her family, friends and community... sold into slavery and dealt with unjustly or even stoned to death.

Mary had been betrothed to Joseph. She was probably a young teenager about 14. The family had made plans and life seemed to be unfolding before her. Mary had watched other young girls get married and her moment was approaching. But with Gabriel's announcement, everything changed. Mary's world was interrupted. This event was not on her radar.

Mary had some questions. How would this work since she had never been with a man? I'm sure her mind and emotions were reeling. But the bottom line in that she believed what was spoken over her. This young girl's world was turned upside down and she responded with a song. Mary says...my soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior...Mary chooses at this moment to make God bigger than any doubts, questions or fear about what she has been told. She chooses to trust that because she knows He loves her, His plan is good, regardless of what she knows or understands.

We have the same choice as Mary. With confidence I can say that none of us will be giving birth to the Messiah. But God still has a task for us. Something, that without our surrender, may be left undone. What has God said to you? My question to you is this...Do you believe? Luke 1:37 tells us that "with God nothing will be impossible and no Word from God is without power of fulfillment."

Surrender starts with a willingness to put no limits on what God can do in our lives.
We cannot dictate to Him what we will or will not allow. Surrender means to give up, to completely yield to the Power of another. It's not difficult to surrender if you KNOW that what God is asking you to do is because of His great love for you. He is not out to harm us or hurt us. His plan is for good.

I love my calendar and I love my lists. It helps me stay organized and simply feel better because there is order. One thing about planners is that they are not often happy with surprises. Excuse me, that was not on my list for today. We are thrown off in a big way when this happens.

When we allow God to interrupt our plans, something Divine happens. We yield ourselves as vessels, and magnify Him as Mary did...we step out of the Kingdom of Me and we once again give Him the keys to do as He pleases.

When Mary said yes to God's plan she did not know how the rest of her life would unfold. She didn't know that her son would die on a cross. She didn't know the pain she would endure as the mother of the Messiah. But she trusted in God's plan. Elizabeth said to Mary in Luke 1:45 "Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her from the Lord."

Years ago I was running from God. I knew about Him as I had grown up in the church. But I was not in a place where I wanted to surrender fully. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I didn't want to listen to my parents. I wanted to have fun. For the most part, I was happy in my rebellion. But at night, when I was without my friends, there was a nagging in my heart that there was more to life. God would not let me go...

The beginning of this surrender is trusting in Jesus. It's trusting that He does have a plan for you and voluntarily placing the keys to your life in His hands. We are not giving the keys of our life over to a jailer or a torturer when we surrender...we are placing those keys into the hands of a loving Father. So many of us have had to live life strong...strong because we have not had that earthly person to look after us. We have learned to live life independent and capable. How can I convey to you the relief that comes when we gives those keys and that responsibility over to someone else? Someone who knows the beginning of your life to the end of your life. Someone who lovingly formed you with purpose. This is the first step of surrender...realizing that Jesus came for you, died for you and wants relationship with you.

When we get the revelation that it is a God of love that is calling us, we can more easily trust Him. Fenelon says this, " God is not a spy looking to surprise you. He is not an enemy lurking in the shadows to hurt you. God is your Father who loves you and wants to help you if you will but trust in His goodness."

You see God has more in mind that we can see, because, well, He's God and we're not.
Mary didn't know, I'm sure....to answer the question of the song we so often sing at Christmas, but she trusted in God. Will you?

He Loved You First

"That's how I know he wants to be my friend mom," said one of my sons, as he hung up the phone. My listening tuned in a little closer to this conversation as I sensed something profound was about to come out.

"Okay, tell me what you mean Morgan," I said. "Well, you know how you have some friends who don't ever call you or ask if you want to do stuff?....How it can seem like you're always the one asking to hang out?" I smiled....yes, I know what you mean.

"But then, if somebody calls you, just for no reason, just to see how you are, you KNOW they like you and really want to be your friend. They call you first!" he continued.

"That's how this is mom. Somebody thinks I'm cool to hang out with and it just makes me feel great." And out the door he went to hang out.

Instantly, I heard the Holy Spirit speak to my heart. That's how you can know and rest assured that I love you Yanna. I thought about the truth that Jesus made the first move towards me. Why do I love Him? Because He first loved me. 1 John 4:19. He's the One who said in John 15:16...You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you...

Jesus has made the first move towards you. To be in relationship with someone, a response is needed. He wants to spend time with you, hang out with you....because, just because, He loved you first.